Tortillaphilia : Your Tortilla Resource

The breakfast burrito: the simplest yet most complex of burrito. This is the type that shouldn’t be too in your face, and some basic ingredients should do most of the talking.

T’Juana Tacos, located in the Fremont Market every Sunday, viscerally gets this thesis, at least theoretically. The egg, prepared on a Blackstone right in front of you, is the center of the burrito, as it should be. Adding Tater tots to the mix is a good twist – it gives you that breakfast feeling yet provides a more unique twist than the more standard hash browns. Theoretically, it’s all there. But the ingredients let the experience down.

The tortilla is the main culprit. There is no way on earth it isn’t a grocery store-grade flour variant, and its function is little more than being a wrap. As far as being a flavor enhancer, it does very little.

I can’t necessarily prove that the tots are from the frozen food aisle, but they taste like it. Or rather, they taste like nigh nothing, and I had to double-check they hadn’t been left out of the burrito. They were there, working as a filler.

The hot salsa? Not so hot. As figuratively can be said about the burrito, which was just dull. It does the job as something to nosh on if you’re idly walking down the Fremont Market, but it likely will be the least memorable part of your visit.

It has the soul of a good breakfast burrito, then, just not the heart.

Whole Foods has a burrito bar. That should come as little to no surprise to most, and if it’s a concept you can reconcile with, it is something to take advantage of.

To state the obvious, Whole Foods’s burrito is one you quite literally can assemble at home. After all, it is made up solely of store items, and nothing in the burrito bar is particularly complex. And that’s fine. Sometimes it’s helpful to have a Burrito Professional™ quickly assemble something for a grab-and-go.

Of course, professional… During a recent visit, the clerk informed me they were out of carne asada, and that it had been replaced by something she didn’t know what was. That is not a big deal for those of us in the trade – it was obviously barbacoa – but it could put a neophyte into a pickle. If Whole Foods trained their employees better on the burrito’s nuances, it would be helpful for all parties involved.

Still, the burrito was well wrapped, and the ingredients – your standard beans, cheese, rice, pico, etc. – were evenly distributed. The spinach tortilla held its fillings perfectly well.

It’s not an exciting burrito, but it has its place if you’re in need of a lunch break fill. It’s perfect for al desko dining.

That’s not to say it could stand up to a proper burrito, but you already knew that. You gotta judge these things on a scale.

… or a hash as it is, but either way.

Somewhere in the depths of the Leschi neighborhood is Meet The Moon. It’s run by the owners of Barrio, a fresh-Mex place that does its thing better than well. And while Meet The Moon also has its merits – great interiors, good service, excellent apple cider – their hash is not one of them.

Theoretically, the ingredients should be the makings of a good dish: a tostada piled with potatoes and eggs, covered in a chipotle hollandaise sauce, and flanked by various garnishes. Simple and straightforward; just what this type of tostada is when properly executed. That was not the case at Meet The Moon.

The main issue came down to the sauce, which was an odd, inharmonious mix of regular hollandaise flavors and chipotle spices. Having some heat sneak up on you after sampling a sauce is, of course, not a bad thing – quite the opposite – but here it felt like the two had oddly separated from each other.

The carnitas themselves weren’t too bad. A bit too dry, and the flawed sauce wasn’t able to compensate for it.

In that sense, the sauce felt superfluous, which is not a good thing when it’s the binding solution. When it fails, it lets the dish down; remove it, and you have an entirely different dish.

In all fairness, individual accompaniments did hold up well enough. Some well-seasoned potatoes were welcomed, and the eggs came sunny-side up as advertised. Hey, that’s often a stumbling block. I have had worse hashes. And misgivings aside, the dish really was more painfully average than inedible.

That’s neither here nor there: I, as you, deserve more than merely O.K.

Nice try Met Market, but this burrito will fool no-one.

It is clear as day what the grocery store – one I love and respect – is trying to do with the spicy tuna burrito. It’s just as clear what they actually deliver. This is not a fusion burrito; it’s a gigantic sushi roll.

And when I say it’s not a burrito, I’m being quite literal. I suppose you could claim rice to be a sometimes integral part of the dish, but the here it is wholeheartedly the Japanese take. That’s as close to anything burrito-like about the roll.

It’s an admirable marketing attempt, mind you. I’m sure they meant well, and again, I like Met Market for a number of reasons. Trying to pass a large spicy tuna roll off as a burrito is just not one of them.

Fair is fair, though: it’s a good sushi roll, if not even remotely related to a burrito.